Oh the scale. The scale, the scale. Good lord, the scale.
You might remember that at the end of December I decided to kiss my scale goodbye. My dear friend who has anorexia nervosa made a pact with me that we would stop weighing ourselves and focus instead on getting healthy. Well, I lasted a lot longer with the pact than she did. Up until 3 weeks ago, I was blissfully ignorant of how fat I actually was. I mean, I can see that I am fat, but I didn’t have a number to go with the magnitude of my largeness. Now I do. Oh my god!
It was Nutrisystem’s fault. AdoringHusband and I started the program and needed to weigh in. I expected bad news, but not that bad. I’ve never been this fat before in my life. No wonder none of my suits fit anymore. I knew that things had gotten out of control once I stopped having sessions with Luda, but again, sheesh!
I am completely and totally too damn fat.
So we started Nutrisystem. How’s it going? Well, we’re starving to death. My stomach feels like my throat’s been cut, to quote an old West Indianism. I am hungry all the time. The meals are so small. I just can’t eat like this for the rest of my life. I just can’t. Truth be told, I think that I am doomed to be fat.
I am doomed to be fat for two reason:
- I like food
- Exercise is not second nature to me
Regarding #1, I’ve noticed lately that thin people tend to be finicky people…people who say things like:
That cake is just too sweet for me.
There’s too much butter on those pancakes.
I’d rather just have a salad than all that pasta.
I’ll never be one of those people. Ever. I like food. I even like food that isn’t particularly good. Take pizza for example. I love pizza. Everything from really good pizza to crap from Pizza Hut and Papa John’s. If it is pizza, then I will eat it.
I’ve often said that if pizza or cheesecake are in the item name, I will always eat it. If there were such a thing as a shoe cheesecake, I’d probably eat it. Enough cheese/sugar/butter will make anything taste good.
I often wish I could develop food finickiness, not only to annoy my waitresses, but because I would eat less. That would be fabulous. But it ain’t happening because I would still eat fried okra pizza with a dessert of shoe cheesecake. People who like food are destined to have weight issues! I hate that!
As for exercise, well, though I may like it eventually, getting to the point of starting is usually where I have trouble. I have to play games with my own head in order to make myself exercise.
Let’s work out every other day for a month!
How about we take spinning classes together?
You’ve got to exercise on every day that ends with a “Y”
I’m just not a good self-starter, because when I’m just starting, I do not like it! I feel tired, weak, and air hungry. Later, when things get going well, then I can say I like it. But the early days are agony. And then even when things get going pretty well and I’m not dying, I still don’t find myself liking exercise enough that when there comes a choice between sitting on my ass knitting and taking a spinning class, the latter will win out over the former.
However, the only times these rules do not hold is when I go into Eating Disorder Mode! This would otherwise be known as type-A plumb loco behavior. Not eating becomes so important! I must prove my ability to be above the food. Mastering hunger was my mission. Dosing myself with laxative Super Dieter’s Tea was particular punishment for eating…anything. Yeah, not a mode I need to get back into, right?
And this brings me back to Nutrisystem.
The one good thing that has happened since I began this post last week is that my stomach is finally getting used to eating less food. You know how it is when you start any diet. You spend the first few weeks gazing longingly at the refrigerator wanting desperately to eat in order to satisfy your powerful hunger. Yet after a bit, your stomach finally begins to understand that less is OK. I think my stomach is finally reaching that state.
And as of today, my weight loss to date has been (drumroll please) 9 pounds! That’s something, isn’t it?