Nope, Friday isn’t my birthday. I’ve already had one of those this year and that was enough. No, Friday is my biopsy day. I’m going to have this stupid, ridiculous, nonsensical biopsy despite having a negative breast MRI. Yes, I’m still pissed, but I’m a lot less freaked out than the last time I wrote.
You, my blogfriends, have been such a help. Thank you so much for your support. Even though I remain convinced that this is a gross waste of time and energy, reading your words made me face what was really eating at me: My
hysterical conviction belief that this biopsy result was going to be Fate’s way of smacking me down again because I had gotten a bit too comfy.
You know the way it us for those of us raised to believe that life can never be happy? Hell, even when I took the MMPI and sneaked a look at the unfiltered results before my shrink could give me the prettied up version, saw that the printout said that I would have a miserable life. (Yes it really did say that.) You’ve spent so much of your life depressed, lonely, angry, waiting, and wanting. Happy was something you had for maybe a night, but never longer than 24 hours.
Recently though, you’ve noticed a change. Happy had been hanging out a bit more often with his friends content and peaceful. Of course you don’t acknowledge their presence. You fear they will respond to this acknowledgment like a floater in your eye: the more you try to look at it, the more it escapes from your vision. So you just move along, catching glimpses of happy in your peripheral vision.
At some point, however, you get a little brave. You start thinking to yourself, why am I afraid to say that my life is happy? Is it the same as the silly superstition that we had as residents where we could never say that the night was quiet when we were on call because inevitably the floodgates would open with patients? That was ridiculous. Patients didn’t decide to come to the hospital because someone had uttered “the q-word.” So yeah, I’m going to just look at happy, content, and peaceful and welcome them into my life. Excellent!
Until you get an abnormal mammogram…
But you’re not really worried because it’s just some vague little thing that they just want to re-image. And you get your re-imaging, and they still want more images. So you have more images done, just to be cautious. Guess what? Now it’s time for a biopsy of this stupid little thing.
And Fate laughs at me. You thought you could be happy? You thought your life would end up any other way but miserable? Who the hell do you think you are?
Fate laughed and I cried…until I read your comments and did something very important. I GOT A FUCKING GRIP!
So I’m now back to being angry but sane. This isn’t punishment or Fate trying to restore the cosmic miserableness to my life. This is just another freaking bump in the road. Happy, peaceful and content are still my buddies. Life has not turned on its head just yet.
The biopsy will be at 7 AM on Friday morning and what will be will be.