The Things You Learn About Shapewear

Despite my major love of shoes, I must confess that I’m so not good at being a girl. It pains me to wear dresses, mostly because of my hatred of stockings, but also because I suddenly feel that I have to look better when I wear a dress or a skirt. I start hunting for makeup (which is an entire ordeal in and of itself), locating accessories (and I must consult a book in order to successfully wear a scarf), and coordinating jewelry. I just suck at all that stuff.

Adding insult to injury, I also have more loose and jiggly bits than I ought, and this requires the use of shapewear. Normally when I find myself in need of shapewear, my shapewear then decides to hide from me on general principle. It is always nowhere to be found. So seeking to remedy that problem, I stocked up on various pieces during a Rue La La event and then got a clear shelf box from the Container Store to trap all these items and keep them from running away.

Thus yesterday during the 2 hours it took me to get ready for my big presentation, I was, in fact, able to find my shapewear and successfully use it to keep my jiggly bits stable for the day. Unfortunately, however, my total girl ignorance created another problem that I only discovered as my bladder was about to explode.

Right before the talk, I had to use the loo in the worst way. All the fluids I had taken in to help my laryngitic throat ran through me at breakneck speed. I ran to the bathroom and discovered in the stall, that I had created a major problem for myself.

Because I didn’t know any better, I had put on my pantyhose first and then the full bodysuit shapewear thing (had like a bike short bottom). Now the shapewear people knew what they were doing because they put a nice opening in the crotch of the bodysuit for such a need as I was then having. Yet because I’m ignorant of the girly ways, I found this crotch opening to be blocked by my non-crotch opening pantyhose! Who knew that shapewear goes first and then the pantyhose?! Do they teach you this in girl school somewhere?

Yes, what ensued in the bathroom was fascinating in its complexity. I’ll spare you the details. But good goodness, lesson learned!

Published by: teendoc on May 1st, 2013 | Filed under funny stuff

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